Shame. Anger. Frustration. Inadequacy. Failure. Hopelessness.

These are the words that come up when you have flashbacks of your OCS memories.

Often they are brought up by scrolling through social media and seeing someone that was in your platoon post. It could be about there experiences. It could be about something in their lives.

You’re happy for them, that they didn’t fail, that they get to pursue their dreams. But at the same time you feel hollow inside. “That could’ve been me”

All of these would haves and should haves. Gratitude for what you have now and what you have learned about yourself for the past year go away.For a time, sometimes ten minutes and sometimes longer you dwell on your past. You dwell on the weakness you felt.

You tell yourself that never again will you give up on yourself. Never again will you count yourself out. You will not go down easy. You will claw and scratch to hold on to your dreams.

But is this healthy? It’s also harder than it sounds. To have doubt in yourself and still choose to give things a shot. To not be guaranteed anything. To have to struggle to accomplish something you’re proud of.

It’s important that you recognize that no matter what you do, there will always be doubt. No matter how good you get at something, how long you practice, and how much time you dedicate to it, there will always be a tiny monkey inside your brain telling you “Hey, you ain’t shit, you don’t know jack squat”.

it’s important to recognize this, but not give into it. Giving in is the easy route. It’s easy to wallow in your despairs. It’s easier to say “Yup, I’m not cut out for it, let’s just sit on my ass and not try anything hard.”

Recognize that you’re not perfect. More importantly, truly know that you are not a static person. You can grow, become stronger, more decisive, a better person and better leader. You’ve always known that, but in those moments of weakness, know that you’re growing and that although you’re not where you want to be now, you’re taking one step closer to being there.